Monday, July 16, 2012

Conflicted

I am 35 weeks and 1 day.  That's a pretty awesome accomplishment, I think.  However, as I inch closer to being "term" with twins, I spend a good chunk of each day arguing with myself.  During the day, I thank God that I am still pregnant and that M & J are growing and getting ready for their arrival.  However, Every.Single.Night, I pray that I go into labor so that I can start recovering from the insomnia and general pain that goes along with carrying 12 lbs of babies and 50 lbs of extra weight around.  Nighttime just stinks, and I dread the sun going down, because I know that these feelings will creep in.

Even typing this makes me feel like a horrible mother, because I know it would be ideal to carry these guys for 3 more weeks.  BUT, because I work in the NICU, I also know that if Molly and Jackson decided to make their debut today, there is a strong chance that they would come home with me.  If they did end up in NICU, the time spent there would most likely be very minimal. 

That's the thing about arguing with yourself, though.  There are no winners- it is beyond frustrating.  It's sunny right now though, and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we make it for a few more weeks.  I can't imagine how this post would read had I written it after 9pm!

10 comments:

  1. So stinkin' true! I almost posted in the middle of the night on Saturday, and I promise it would have been hoping and praying for these boys to GET OUT! Nights are HARD. I spend my days praying to get to 36 or 37 weeks (38 is seeming impossible at this point!) and then at night I reason with myself that if they came soon they'd probably do pretty well and not need too much/if any nicu time. You are not alone, mama! Our four little stinkers will be here soon enough... Surely we'll sleep again.... Someday :)

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  2. Oh my gosh, you have gotten so far! I read you months ago! GOOD FOR YOU. Keep those babies inside ..as my neighbor told me, they are always more trouble when they come out! Just nap. when you can. God's making you ready for sleeplessness to come....
    Enjoy them moving, you will miss it once they are out. THINK POSITIVE.
    Know that we are pulling and praying for you

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  3. I only had 7 lbs of baby in me and I hated night. I could not sleep lying down, nor sitting up. I was so freaking tired and I had to run around after a 3 year old all day. I swear I started to have panic attacks at night because I could not breath and I felt dizzy but could not sleep. I thought I was going to pass out all the time, joy! But my son did come and I never did sleep after that anyway. you will make sweetheart, think one day at a time. Meditate when night approaches and send your love to those babies. This will pass and soon you will be so busy with two beautiful babies.
    Hugs,
    Meredith

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  4. Hang in there! 12lbs of babies must be hard at bed time. I am struggling with just one. I also started to dislike bedtime...between the heartburn and aches and pains..I can't imagine what you are going through.

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  5. You are amazing for making it this far!!! Carrying twins is certainly no joke. You are a rock star for carrying 12 lb of baby! Sorry to hear about the struggles with sleep. I can't imagine how difficult and frustrating it must be. You are so close. I can't wait for the upcoming updates. Hang in there!!

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  6. You are doing such a great job. I can understand the conflict though, just a few weeks left now and they will be here!

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  7. I can definitely understand teh conflict. I would have given anything for my boys to stay in longer than they did. BUT, at the same time, when I look at them now at nearly 8 pounds each or look at them a few weeks ago at 6 pounds each and try to imagine how I would have felt with them still inside?! Uh, YOWSA.

    And, yeah, as a NICU nurse you are certainly in a unique position to absolutely know what they'd likely experience at any given point. It's a blessing and a curse. :)

    One way or another, your babies are doing AWESOME and will be awesome whether they come out now or in a few more weeks. One way or another, I hope you're feeling better soon!!!

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    1. I was so worried posting this, because I know that you (and so many others) would have gladly endured anything to keep your babies inside. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to make it this far, and certainly shouldn't be whining about it. It is amazing how much can change in a week because, now that I am facing delivery, I am terrified about how the twins will do in the real world. Certainly a case of "Be Careful What You Wish For..."

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  8. 36 weeks sounds like a good time to me! I wish you less pain and the joy of holding those beautiful babies. Hang in there, you are a great mom already and everyone will be happy when the babies make their debut.
    xoxo Susan :)

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    1. Thank you! I hope that everything is going well with your little one!

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